0lovesexcuse0

Nightmares

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 12:23:51 GMT

I can't stop having nightmares, nearly every night now.

One dream i do keep having starts with me running through the woods, im wearing a long white flowing dress and my hands are bleeding, i can't see the cuts but as im knocking branches out of my way the blood is going onto the trees. I'm in fear for my life, well that is the feeling of the whole dream as i look back i see big figures in black robes running after me. I then find a tree and hide inside its trunk as the figures find me they reach down and their hoods fall away they have no faces.

I'm sorry i don't comment as much as i should on other peoples journals :( im a bad lj'er i appreciate everyone on my list though because i know how much you all help dethas (my girlfriend) with everything. She really does consider you her family which of course makes you all my family in law hehe.

Love to you all!

Lipline shadows

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:18:07 GMT

Cant you see,

Your a fool with no lipline,

That could cradle the shape of mine.

Cant you see,

Im a metaphor away from braking down,

And a look away from homicide.

I cant grieve for this dead body,

It doesnt look the same as you,

No matter how much make up,

No matter how much perfume.

I cant replace a photograph,

Nor a smile made from glass.

Its to precious and to special,

But i knew it would never last.

I cant bleed a single tear,

I cant watch the sunsets colours,

I cant dream about the clouds,

But i can stay the same.

The same self portrait,

Misery,

Pain,

Regret..

Tell me how i can change,

Because im really dying to know.

I'll leave it there for now, ive written about 72 poems in the past but ill leave it to 3 for now to see how people take them, they are abit on the down side.

love to you all! x

A colourful ending

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:14:05 GMT

God i wish i could tear down the sky,

And pull apart every star of yours,
Every hope, Every dream,
I know you had no trouble doing it to me..

We let the music dance around us,

In skies that cant bear sunlight,

And Cold winter nights that never end,
Why did you have to make me dance?

Take me into your arms and glide me across the floor untill my feet left the ground, and i was Finally flying,

So cold and yet so warm in your inviting eyes,

your breath taking smile.

Remember watching the sunrise,
As the pink skimmed the horizon and a landscape of gold was seeable, touchable...

The most beautiful thing ive ever seen,

We didnt need tears nor knives...
Those were the days of golden solitude,

Of songs that left you feeling infinite..

My colourful fantasy ended quickly,

And as my eyes fade into what could be nightime,

I want you to know,

I always wanted a future,

a beauty,

a life..

I write poems..

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:11:17 GMT

You,
You feel as though your love is slipping through me,

Im not appreciating your beauty,

Your smile as the day suddenly hits starlight and falls back through to day,

Your romantic nature, your poetic gestures,

Your lack of self esteem,

Your tragic heart break,

Am i really worth your Heart, am i really worth those lyrics,

Of bliss and happiness?

Am i fighting for you. . . .or for your cracked romantic past?

Baby if i cried into the night and screamed your name,if i thought about you all the time,

If i never talked about another guy again, if i never looked at another guy again. .

Would you love me with that heart,
That you'll so willingly call mine, when you know it belongs to the past. .

i'll create a world for you and me,
I'll appreciate your beauty and ill paint the sky with diamond roses and ill scream your name forever,

If you love me like you say you do. .

I'm going to put a few poems in my lj, just hoped i could get some constructive criticism on them. They're abit emo from time to time but i hope you like :)

byeee x

The amazing lady i love

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:36:14 GMT

Mernie has literally saved me from my woeful money troubles.
Ages ago id told her how much debt i was in not only with my mother but with a and then with her, so she suggested i sort out carers allowance, and be her carer. Of course it took us ages to get it going cause its us hehe but then i get a letter through today telling me i have nearly 900 pounds waiting for me in my bank account, can you believe that!!!!
If it wasnt for her i really would have sank into a big black hole by now seriously.
Soooo now i think i need to do some serious thinking as to how i can make it up to her? suggestions welcome :D

Love to you all x

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:37:26 GMT

I want a cuddle :(

Quizzz

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 22:06:36 GMT

Quizquizquizquiz ;)

Will you be up before 7AM tomorrow?
Don't know lol my sleeping pattern is all over the place

What do you wash first in the shower?
My hair, then i go downwards

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
Nope

Can you be your complete self around the person you like?
Yeah :)

I bet you didnt sleep alone last night?
Nope i didnt :).

Have you kissed anyone in the past week.?
yes

Would you ever get a genital piercing?
Lilly doesnt want no pain :(

Ever drank too much and did something you were not supposed to?
Unfortunately yes

Last song you listened to?
Gorillaz - Feel good

Your last ex shows up at your house and asks for you back, you would?
No way

Have you done anything sneaky lately?
I guess so

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
Yes, and someone of the same

Your phone is ringing. It's your ex. What do you say?
"Hello"
"Hi its burnzy"
"Dont ring me on private just fuck off and dont speak to me again"

Thats the only way i'd answer if he rang on private hehe

What was the last thing you drank?
Flavoured water

What were you doing this morning at seven AM?
Falling asleep i think

How good is Coca - Cola?
addictive ;)

Any plans for the weekend?
EEEEEE funtimes, little shop of horrors and alsooo dinner and fun cinema times

You’re thinking about someone, aren’t you?
Nope but now i am ;)

The last person you kissed hates you, now why is that?
They dont hate me :( if they did id be very surprised and upset

How many people do you trust?
a few family friends and yay a lovely couple i know

Are you happy with your life?
Kind of
I'm happy with some parts of it

If you could go back in time, would you?
no

How far back would you go if you were able to?
no time

Last thing that you did before bed last night?
Went to see dorian grey

Anything bothering you?
nah

Do you go to school?
Nope

When is that last time you cried?
Last night

Your locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?
No just how school girl is this quiz lol

What do you usually do first in the morning?
go to sleep.

Do you have workout videos?
My mother has some ive played with them

Plans for tomorrow?
Bed ;)

Ever liked someone older than you?
always :) ive never like someone younger

Is there anyone that you just want to scream at?
Yes

Don't you just want to take their hair, and pull it out by the roots?
No

Relationship or hook up?
relationship

How's September going for you?
Hopefully i shall be sorting out my life

What are you excited about?
Saturday :)

I bet you miss somebody right now?
Little bit :)

If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care?
nope.

How many years will it be before your ready to get married?
about 15? maybe all depends on who doesnt it

How many cigarettes have you smoked today?
none

Who is the next person you will kiss?
Mernie or A

Are you afraid of falling in love?
Nope

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Roisin :).

What kind of digital camera do you have?
A broken one

If you’re quiet for an extended period of time, what does it most likely mean?
No ones around to talk to

Are you dating the very last person you kissed?
yes

First person to speak to you in 09?
The guy at the new years party lol

What's something you do when you're mad?
Shout or swear

Is it okay to kiss people when you're single?
no its illegal

Do you always answer your phone?
No

Was yesterday better than today?
yesterday was brilliant, today was good

Have your parents ever caught you drinking?
yes

Are promises important to you?
yes.

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
no.

Who was that last person you had a phone call longer than 7 minutes?
Roisin

Has anyone ever called you a bitch?
yes

Have you hugged/kissed someone in the past 5 days?
yes.

Does anyone think you're mean?
Probably, i hope not though

How many wives or husbands do you want?
2.

Is there anybody you wish you could see?
yes.

Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
sometimes, depends what id done

Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow?
nope

Are you easily confused?
not really.

Do you like summer?
yes.

Double Entry

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 02:13:28 GMT

Hellluuu livejournal users (mostly all of mernies friends hehe)

I haven't written an entry in rather a long time, and normally when im drunk, i find the time :') So im here now aha. Ive been out with my friends tonight to a club for one of my birthday celebrations, called subway city, they have a night on fridays called anarchy where they basically play all indie,metal and motown songs :) was muchoes fun and early prezzies :D yay.

the last week i was on holiday with merna and A. I had such a good time, honestly even when i was in a bit of a mood the whole day was never ruined. Everyday was brilliant, i got drunk and danced lots, i buried people in the sand which i hadnt done before :D and just basically relaxed alot. Its hard to be back in that sense because having connected with both A and mernie so much on the holiday its harder to be alone than it was before. Before then i loved to be alone to tell you the truth, i mean don't get me wrong i have quite a few friends go out and socialise but my me time was always plentyful and now, its strange. in the same way theyve managed to make me find it strange to wear clothes around the house hehe. I guess alot about me is changing.

Sooo im going out again on monday with all my family and then on tuesday im being taken out by a different group of friends for a lovely night out. And then hehe im going out on the thursday with some friends i havent seen in a very long time so should be muchoes fun. Of course friday shall be the best of all as im going away again for a weekend in wales with A and mernie. They honestly spoil me so much.
I'll give you an example actually i had some trouble with the bank, they'd been taking the piss with maintenance charges in a bank account i had never used. I mean NATWEST are the crappest bank ever. anyways i asked mernie to come with me and help because tbh im a push over, i let people walk all over me and honestly she was brilliant she even paid off my debt which i could never have afforded. I don't think she honestly realises how amazing she is but don't worry lj users :D i plan to tell her everday for a very long time.

Okay... quiz timessss ;)

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Well unfortunately i do not know enough of the users on my friends list but im sure ;) they're all sexyyy peeps. Also theres dethas which is something id consider/have done/will do again rather alot ;)

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
night

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Well i don't share a bed with anyone but in my bed i normally either sleep on the left or starfish in the middle of the bed aha

4. Do you masturbate?
Of course

5. How often?
Depends mostly every night but sometimes its twice a day.

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Aha no but i have flashed many a taxi driver for less of a fare.

7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
Showers everytime

8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
a bath yes just too awkward for words really hehe

9. Do you watch/read pornography?
I don't really i find my imagination enough most the time, that and i have sexual dreams like 3 times a week. Dreams just keep coming to me

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
I would have said aggressive before mernie but now i have no idea aha

11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
:) yes

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
i know 2 in real life and none of the others, sorry guys!

13. Would you choose love or money?
irrational, unconditional amazing love yes, otherwise pennies please

14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
1. Teasing- take me to the top and linger me there ill be guaranteed to come alot harder after
2. Dominance- recently ive discovered i like to dominate and whip yay
3.Bite me baby- yes do it ;) !

15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Unfortunately yes

16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
In the gardens at my house in ireland :)

17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Asda in a display tent ha

18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
ehh yes :\

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
yes fun times (Y)

20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
Nah ive never been just to have sex i go to get drunk and then sex follows ;)

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
nope

22. Ever been picked-up on in a bar?
Yes

23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
I have now ;)

24. What's your sexuality?
I guess i'm straight with a weakness for fluffies named merna? not entirely sure, too young to tell really

25. Had sex in a movie theater?
yes aha

26. Had sex in a bathroom?
Yes.

27. Have you ever had sex at work?
havent had a job long enough to try :') :(

28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
yes

29. Bought something from an adult store?
No

30. Do you own any sex toys?
i own 3, 2 are presents from merna aha

31. If yes, how many and what are they?
One is a glass dildo called crystal, one is a very small bunny vibrator and one is a large vibrator called fred

32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Eh yes..i regret it all the way

33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Oh god..yes once when very drunk. I apologised after.

34. Have you ever had phonesex?
No i get too self conscious

35. Have you ever had cybersex?
yes

36. Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
Its foreplay

38. What's your favorite sex act?
Haven't made up my mind on that yet

39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
Yes

40. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
Nooo idea

Night xx

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 22:35:06 GMT

5 DAYYYSSSS till holiday with the best people i know :D

stuffffffff

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 22:27:38 GMT

Life in general is running smoothly at the moment, my family seem okay for now. Ive never felt more connected to my friends and things in a thrupple are brilliant :)
I've had a bit of a down day today, just in general felt abit shit. I didnt feel as bad as normal and i realised when i came home i only thought of self harm once. Thats a big thing for me. I can feel myself growing up, if im honest its all because of this thrupple. Being around people who love me for who i am has given me the kind of confidence ive never had before.

I know i dont often update and i should comment others journals way more than i do, i just get stuck with words most of the time. So you'll see that alot of my sentences don't really make much sense, but thats just me :')
Its been a busy week for me, it was my best friend oonaghs birthday on the friday which was brilliant, we went to a cocktail bar and danced alot. One of my best friends adam was dressed as a woman and hilariously drunk LOL oh it was ever so funny men were actually coming onto him.

The next day unfortunately was one of the worst days of my life. I awoke sobbing because i'd had the worst dream ever, it was so vivid and horrible i felt it was real.
The dream
I dreamt that i was in a white room with all of oonaghs friends, she was there running around being social and one of her friends was following her. She ran to jump over a table and hit her head and neck, the guy behind her did it too stood up and laughed, everyone else in the room carried on laughing whilst i ran over to see if oonagh was okay. She was covered in blood and her eyed were half open but completely glazed over, as i tried to lift her, her head came away from her body and i could see her spined and down into her neck, It looked so real. I screamed and cried but no one would listen to me everyone just carried on laughing.

This was horrible enough but later on i went for a meal with my mom,dad and grandma for her 91st birthday. Just after the meal my grandma was feeling really ill so she took some of the spray she has for her angina. Se lay her head on the table and i fanned her with a menu, suddenly she sat up her eyes wide and her mouth open and started to have a fit. My dad grabbed hold of her while i ran to ring an ambulance. I dont think ive ever been so scared in my entire life. I waited for an ambulance and thank god by the time the ambulance had come, she'd come round and was managing to talk. They took her to hospital anyways because she was still feeling ill. We picked her up that night though, so she was able to come home and having spoken to her yesterday shes okay now just abit shaken up kind of thing.

I had a briliant day yesterday though. I went to merna and A's and we had lasagne, went to the cinema and just in general had a brilliant day.

byeee :) x

Bulletproof

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 00:12:51 GMT

Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again
The messages I've tried to send
My information's just not goin in
Burning bridges, shore to shore
I break away from something more
I'm not to, not to love until it's cheap
Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun, don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet

Chorus
This time baby
I'll be Bulletproof
(repeat)

I won't let you turn around,
I'll tell you now, I'm much too proud
To walk away from something when it's dead
Do do do your dirty worst
Come out to play when you are hurt
There's certain things that should be
Left unsaid
Tick tick tick tick on the watch
Life's too short for me to stop
Oh baby, your time is running out
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now, I'm much too proud
All you do is fill be up with doubt

Chorus
This time baby
I'll be Bulletproof
(repeat)

This time, I'll be Bulletproof
(repeat)

Chorus
This time baby
I'll be Bulletproof
(repeat)
This time baby, this time baby
This time baby, this time
This time baby, this time baby
Bulletproof

I'm fighting with myself at the moment.
Oh dearrr :\

On the plus side the hotel stay with merna was amazing :)

Helluu

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:08:12 GMT

Just wanted to say thankyou to all the people who commented on my last post :)
Thankyour for your advice and comfort it was much appreciated.

love to you all x

i shall post again later with updates etc.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 01:26:23 GMT

I know that everyone i have added on here is dethas's friends
but atm i need all the supporti can get.

I can't stop myself from falling, why did i ever trust anyone.
Me and A have broken up, i understand why we have, him and merna need more emotional and physical time on thier own,
i just wish it hurt less you know

Things that happen i guess..

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:32:55 GMT

Firstly i was hoping someone could help me interpret a dream i had that stuck in my mind ;

The Dream

In my dream, well the parts that i can remember the best, i was in merna's car with both A and mernie. Mernie was driving, A sitting between us and me on the far side by the window. We were joking and laughing as usual and A produced a penis water pistol (it was basically a plastic water pistol shaped like a penis) he then proceeded to stuff it down his trousers and say look, at first we laughed at the water coming out of the pistol but then it soon started to fill up the whole car, and whilst i was drowning in the water both mernie and A were fine. Happy and secure underwater where as i was struggling to breathe.

If anyone has any thoughts on this i'd love to know them?

Have you ever felt like your life was very predictable? The things that are supposed to be exciting and fun to do become ordinary and boring. I still go out and see my friends, i still hit the clubs and drink but its all become sooo boring. I guess none of my friends understand that lately all ive wanted to do is stay in curl up on the sofa and read a book. It sounds boring for an 18 year old i guess but in my school days i guess i did all i could to be the biggest rebel this side of halesowen. Or at least i thought i was aha. I drank and i smoked, i did drugs, i vandalised and i stole. I was a horrible human being and being in the place i am now i can look back and admit how horrible i really was.
I don't know if merna has told you any of this but we met when i was younger and had to split apart as she was ill and really couldnt be in touch with me. Of course at the time i didn't know she was ill all i could see was the only person who had cared for me had gone and i went off the rails. This will come as a surprise to even her but i trashed the room she'd worked in and afterwards was so ashamed i just broke down and sobbed in the middle of the mess i'd made.
this is why i believe ive really exhausted all of the going out and getting drunk that my friends want to do now.
Its hard to get a balance isn't it, when you have a new relationship you tend to want to spend all your time and effort in that, you know in thier company but i can't forget my friends and i never would. Also things at home aren't the best and i can't ignore that either.

I just wish i wasn't so addicted to mernie :\ but then i don't wish that either aha
Oh im so fickle.

anyway i need to go be sick...vodka doesnt agree with me anymore at all.

Best wishes to all :)

(iLOVERICHARDHAMMOND) hehe x

The weekend..

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 01:47:50 GMT

I shall write the days in paragraphs, excuse me if its all muddled but my writing usually is haha.

Friday

Friday was birlliant for the first part, it ended on an..okay note but part of the evening was quite uncomfortable. So in the day i saw merna for abit before going to see my sister which was of course brilliant as it usually is, i went to see her final exhibition as she has now graduated from her jewellery course with a brilliant degree :) After that i came back to mernas and proceeded to get ready for the date. I havent as yet found a picture of the dress but im considering just uploading a picture of myself in the dress but anyways, a came home from work and merna gave us both a lift very kindly as she wanted us both to be able to drink. It was brilliant we definately clicked, so much so that we didnt end up ordering food for at least half an hour because we were so engrossed in conversation. I think he learnt alot about me and i learnt alot about him :) suffice to say i no longer feel like the person they bring into the bed room..we went to the resteraunt at about 8 and came back for around 11 after asking mernie to pick us up. Now just to let you know something about me before i carry on, having grown up in a house full of arguements and tension my stomach cannot handle arguements. If people i care about fight in front of me it honestly makes my stomach flip and makes me want to throw up. Anyways, we got back and were having a good time, when mernie and a started fighting.. I wont say what about because im sure if mernie wants everyone to know she would write about it herself but of course that sent my stomach all over the place and the fight lasted quite a while so i ended up being sick :\ (which damnnn cause id had the nicest meal hehe)
I wish i hadnt been sick of course because then they had to focus on me and they still fought as they did really. I was sitting in the bed kind of just feeling very ill while they both sat down to talk it out which did end well so it was all forgotten for when we went to bed. Of course my stomach didnt register that till much later and so didnt stop cramping for a while but oh well ahaha.

Saturday

Saturday was made for the win :) I had a lovely time. We had a big talk and sorted through some issues that had been brought up the night before and then had lasagne which cooked by a is the most amazing food ever :D yumyum!
We then went on to watch Gigi which, if you have never seen it i suggest you run out and see it now. It was a favourite of mine growing up and i hadnt forgotten any of the words i was chuffed :D
the night was just as brilliant after all the bedroom fun was had we 3 stayed up talking for a long time and even had a big queen sing along :)

Sunday

Sunday was okay, the morning was spent with mernie and a mostly in bed and then i came home to give my dad his present. He like it, i bought him eminems new album and so we spent the evening listening to that.
Now i think bed is needed :)

G'nighttt xxx